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I'm going through...a lot of things right now. I'm going to be writing here, but it won't be pretty and it won't be fun. If you want in on the filter, say so. Otherwise, no biggie. Thanks.

News or what have you

I just registered for my first grad class. I'm non-matriculated because I still have to take the GREs and get my recommendations in line and actually apply for admission, but I can take up to nine credits before I matriculate and they'll count, which is nice as it means I'll only have 21 credits left to go.

The only thing I'm really worried about is money - with the new car payment, and the (soon enough) rent increase when I move to my brother's, etc, I'm kind of freaked out, but hopefully it will all pan out okay. Keeping my fingers crossed for that one, honestly.

Well, that and I'm worried about managing grad school - some part of me still doesn't think I'll make it.

Jul. 3rd, 2009

I just bought my first new car ever - I pick her up Monday evening. I am super excited, to say the least. She's a black Honda Civic sedan with all sorts of nifty little toys inside. More on Monday when I pick her up. MUCH squeeing. Much much much much!

So it's been a few days, but...

daydreamweaver gave me 5 words. I'm going to tell you about them:

MythicalCollapse )

ToothbrushCollapse )

QuarantineCollapse )

SpectaclesCollapse )

TruthCollapse )

If you want 5 words, I can think some up for you, too. :)

Jun. 5th, 2009

My brother is getting married today.


Must leave - time to get ready for the wedding.

I am, by the by, extremely happy for him. But it still makes me a tiny bit sad. Not entirely certain why.

It's time for...


That is all.

Back sometime between the 30th and the 1st. :D

ow, really

Have been relegated to being unable to sleep because of my back. Can't turn, bend, breathe deeply, or shift my weight without massive amounts of pain. Setting up a doctor's appt. for tomorrow because I don't really know what else to do. I thought I'd just strained a muscle, and that's still a possibility, but I've been doing nothing strenuous for the past week and a half, and it's only gotten worse.

I hate the fact that my body will let me get through tons of stress, and once that's over, completely break down.

If my car acted like this, I'd have a new one already.
Words cannot begin to describe how much I loathe the slowness with which Access handles my 900,000 lines of data! And sadly, it will soon be somewhere between 2 and 3 million lines. Eff that though, I'm hoping my PM will accept it in three separate databases, because my computer nearly dies each time I try to run the darn query. Which, to be honest, absolutely shouldn't happen.

At some point, I need to post a quick entry about Ridiculous Phrases I've heard recently. Or something along those lines. The business world amuses me, sometimes. It also, however, hurts my grammar organ (next to my kidney, I think).

I had the weirdest dreams last night, and it left me wondering about all of those niggling unresolved things that I should perhaps resolve. Or maybe it's that there are things that were resolved, but not in a good, healthy, or humane manner. I'm in the midst of what feels like one of those, and I don't really want it to happen. I've been holding off on actually calling the person because I just don't know what to say anymore. It isn't that I don't want to call them, it's that I honestly don't know what I'd say after, "Hi."

And quite frankly, that's pretty much an awful feeling, especially given how long we've been friends.

All that aside, I'm going to take a couple of days to sort my head out and kind of try to pull out of stressed-argh mode, and get back to something resembling normal. I haven't had that chance yet, so I'm definitely looking forward to it.
Most of the stress has receded. My body has taken this as an opportunity to behave horribly. I'm not sick (barely managed to head that one off), I seem to have done something unpleasant to my back, and am in almost constant pain because of it. The thing is, it feels muscular, so there's not much I can do but crunch on tylenol, try not to make it worse, and hope it goes away, right? There's only one other major worry, and I'm hoping it'll go away and not be anything. The other issues are small niggling things, really. No big, I guess.

Mentally/emotionally, it's been an incredibly rough week. I'm exhausted, and I need to decompress before I do anything or make any decisions. (Not regarding A. - things there are actually really damn good, as per, lately.)

Two weeks (and one day) until vacation! Woo! I've started marking days on the calendar - I just need to get away from everything for a few days. Shut down in a little bubble of quiet, and A. lets me do that, so I've no worries on that score.

And now, it is pathetically bedtime. At quarter of ten. Ugh, I'm getting old.

Things to note:

1. I am far, far more introverted than I had previously expected. I enjoy and tolerate people, but for the most part? I prefer quiet, and to only have a few people around, if any.

2. It's not the easiest thing in the world for someone who is both introverted and somewhat scattered to plan a party for 35-45 people. I mean, it all got done, and hurrah everyone seemed to enjoy it and etc. etc. but it wasn't the best situation for me, mentally.

3. Work is not who I am, anymore. I don't know if it ever will be, again. It's something I do - it does not define me, it does not make me the person I am. I enjoy it, and it enables me to enjoy my life (from a financial standpoint), but that's the extent of it these days.

4. It is slightly under three weeks until Aaron and I go on vacation. I am excited beyond measure; a full week at the beach. (With him, of course; and his mother and her husband will be in a condo about a mile away.) I think I've convinced him we should rent bikes for the week and use them as much as possible; keeping my fingers crossed for that. I have, however, failed to convince him he should learn to hang glide - but he said there's nothing stopping me from learning, so we'll see about that.

5. I may not always like myself, or feel comfortable in my own skin. This may be something that persists forever, I don't know. However, I've realized that just as loving someone else doesn't mean they're perfect, loving oneself is much the same. I still struggle, and I still have some serious demons/issues to contend with, either with or without therapy (haven't decided yet), but I'm doing okay.

6. Aaron's been possibly the best person for me, to date, hands down. He doesn't put up with my self-destructive/bad behavior, doesn't pretend I'm perfect, doesn't agree with me just to avoid a fight, and expects me to talk about things with him. He's also openly affectionate, incredibly loyal & protective, and completely honest with me. This doesn't lead to as peaceful a relationship as one might hope, but then...I'm horrible at communication, and he gets frustrated over it. Regardless, I think I am in some ways healthier than I ever have been previously. Enough mush, though.

7. My brother is getting married in slightly under five weeks! Holy crap. (This, by the way, explains number 1 - I threw his fiancee a bridal shower.) I'm extremely happy and excited for him, and yet part of me is still a little bit sad.

8. A lot is changing, and there's the potential for even more to do so - I'm tired out and somewhat stressed, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything turns out okay.

Okay, scratch "somewhat" and put in "very" - because honestly, the stress lately has been crazy; and sometimes the people whom you'd expect to be chill and understand that aren't exactly as laid back as you'd previously imagined.

And on that note, I'm going to go take a bath and continue reading Jane Eyre before I pass out.